Is Geography Destiny

I am reading a great book called Cutting For Stone in which the main character asserts that geography is destiny, that is that where you are born dictates the course of your life. It is an idea that has stayed with me since I read it. For the most part I agree. Being born in the United States, I had a lot of opportunities that I might not have had. I had access to a high quality, free education. I had good health care. I had a safe, ample food supply. I had indoor plumbing. Simply by being born when I was, I was able to grow into a healthy adult with minimal effort. But the struggle of simply growing up in more challenging environments is what makes some people into better, stronger people. Would the African runners be as successful if they were raised eating Cheetos and playing video games?

It is true on a smaller scale as well. I have a deep love for the Maine coast that comes from being raised there. I love the cold water and the wind, I love the snow, and I love solitude because this is what I was raised with. I love to travel, but in the end I want to return to Maine. It's a mixed blessing to have a place that you love so passionately. I feel lucky to have a place where I feel so content, as long as this doesn't come at the expense of limiting opportunities.

In a Fog

I'm back in Santa Rosa after 2 wonderful weeks of working remotely from home. My body had finally gotten used to being in a single time zone for more than 4 days, and is not happy with the time zone. Yesterday morning I was in a fog, literally and figuratively. The figurative fog was resolved with massive quantities of coffee, but I'm still struggling with the literal fog. The issue is that I'm running in the dark and it's frequently warm and foggy. The fog makes the light of my headlamp reflect right back at me, so I can't see where I'm running or what is around me. I'm going to be pretty annoyed if I roll my ankle on a bump in the road because I can't see it. Plus, since the attack I like to periodically stop and scan around me, but I can't do this in the fog. I nearly jumped out of my skin this morning because I thought I saw a person lurking on a corner. As I got closer I saw it was actually a stop sign. Looking at my heart rate graph after the run, it looks like I was doing intervals. Nope, just me getting scared out of my mind every few minutes.

Ratty T-Shirts and Old Socks

As part of starting the new year with a clean slate I decided to clean out my closets. I was fairly ruthless when it came to work and casual clothes and shoes, quickly filling 3 bags. However, when it came to getting rid of old race shirts and socks, I just couldn't do it. This is despite the fact that I have a massive quantity of both and that most of them are in terrible shape. The shirts have pit stains, a permanent sweaty odor, and many are streaked with stains from cooking or housework. The socks are equally bad- worn throught at the heels and toes, gray instead of their original white, and not so fresh smelling. But each sock and each shirt has a memory, or has done something for me. There are the socks I wore to do my first 20 miler and my first marathon, the socks that I did a mud run in, the socks I won at Reach the Beach. There is the long sleeve cotton shirt from my first Trek Across Maine, the short sleeve shirt from the 5k I did with my whole family, the too big ugly gray shirt I tried to hem myself from my first marathon. Each item now has a special significant and I can't bring myself to throw them out, no matter how ratty and stinky they are. So I piled them back in the closet and bought some air freshner.

25 miler = FAIL

On my planned 25 miler today I was listening to the Extra Mile Experiment. Chris Russell (I think) was talking about his half marathon simulation, and concluded that it was a failure. So was my 25 miler.

It actually was pretty warm compared to the past few weeks, about 25 when I started and 35 by the time I finished. However the wind was still whipping. And nearly 2 feet of snow does not dissapear over night. The roads were still totally covered, especially the side streets. So my option was to slip and slide on the side streets, or brave the traffic on the main road where there was less snow, but I had to run out in the traffic lane because the snow banks take up the entire shoulder. I did a combination of both. I'd run on the snowy side streets until the little muscles in my legs were screaming from trying to stabilize me. Then I'd run on the main road until I couldn't take being sprayed with slush, honked at, and nearly run over every 10 seconds.

Because of the snow, and because I'm bored to death of it, I didn't do my normal long run route. I did smaller loops near my house, which gave me an easy out. At 21 miles I was just done, mentally and physically. I'm really dissapointed with myself because I wanted to have 25 miler in bank to draw on for Antarctica, which I know will be more demanding than anything I've done before. Can I really do this??

Blizzard of 2010

I am supposed to run a 26 miler this week. And we got nearly 2 feet of snow over the past day and half along with gale force winds. The snow has stopped, but the wind has not. I shoveled for about 20 minutes (for once the town plow didn't deposit the entire street's worth of snow in front of our house), but other than that I have been lying inside reading and eating my way through everyone's Christmas candy for two days. I really want to get this run in tomorrow, so that I can get up to New Hampshire and ski with my sister for a day and still be back in Boston for New Year's Eve. I KNOW that I am training for Antarctica, and a little snow shouldn't scare me. I'm not scared of the snow itself. I am scared of the fact that the snow covers the sidewalks, thus forcing me to run in the road, where the Massholes make a sport out of trying to run you down.

Hopefully, I'll suck it up and get out there tomorrow, because I can't stand another day of sitting inside, doing nothing, and stuffing my face.

GU dilemma

I just got an e-mail from the Antactica tour company. Due to international treaty agreements nothing in a disposible wrapper is allowed, including GU. I've been experimenting with different fuels, including Hammer solid perpetum, and enduralyte, but I'm finding that good old GU or Hammer gel works best. The perpetum is too chalky and the liquid fuels slosh too much in my stomach. So now I need a way to put GU into another type of permanent container. IDEAS???

I have my 26 miler to do next week and I'm already dreading it. It just kills a whole day and my legs feel like lead for days afterward. This is my problem with marathon training, I HATE taking days off. Maybe if I could stop eating, I'd feel better about it, but that hasn't happened.

who is that masked man

I was just starting to feel okay running again. I didn't get to California until 2 am so I let myself sleep in a little Monday so I was actually running in daylight. Given that it was light out, I decided to run on the trail by the river here because I'm already bored to death with the loops through the neighborhood by my hotel. I was just getting into a groove (it took me awhile because my legs are still pretty tired because of my 23 miler this weekend) when I saw someone approaching me. My heart still leaps whenever I see someone else, but this time my heart about stopped. It was man wearing a black face mask. Exactly like my attacker.

It was 60 degrees out. I know Californians are wimps, but really. My heart was racing and my mind was whirling. In order to get to the rest of the path I'd have to pass him again. I got off the path and ran around the streets, but I had to get back on the path in order to get back. And then I saw him again. So much for a good run. I spent the whole time looking around and behind me.

Skiing, biking, and new shoes

I've been pretty running centric lately. Mostly because I'm in maraton training, but also because of my new schedule. Running is easiest when you are short on time and traveling. But last weekend I stayed in CA for the weekend and went skiing on Saturday and Sunday. I always forget exactly how much I love to ski. I like running, but it is not easy enough for me, nor am I fast enough, or painfree enough to think "God I love this," while I'm doing it. But that is exactly what I think when I'm skiing. I love the rush, the feeling of weighlessness.

Then Sunday, even though we rode in the cold rain against a nasty headwind I had a great time. On a bike you can go fast enough and far enough that you can really go somewhere. My Mom's friend Jaye had planned this awesome ride through the redwoods and along the coast on 101. Seeing from a bike was way better than being in a car. After we had a great dinner with the whole group that rode. There is nothing like slogging through the rain and cold to bring a group of people together.

Also last weekend I stopped into a running store that is right by my office here because they had a sign that said free gait analysis. I never want to wait at race expos, but I have always been curious. I was stunned by how bad my gait was, even with the heel lifts and superfeet. Holy pronation. So I guess it's not worth saving $35 and wearing year old superfeet and ancient drugstore heel lifts. I sprung for new shoes and a hard arch support. All week I've been a good girl and worn the arch supports in my sneakers and my work shoes, and my plantar fasciitis is improving. So fingers crossed.

23 miler on tap this weekend. Trying to decide if I should just get it over with when I get home tomorrow after the red eye, or wait until I'm more rested on Saturday.

You should know better

I was talking to a woman at the gym the other day and tolf her about my attack, because she lives nearby and is a runner I wanted to warn her. She said, "well you should know better than to run alone as a woman." The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. First, it makes it seem like getting attacked was MY fault, which I don't think it in any way is.




I'm also really struggling with the whole gender issue here. Yes, I am a woman, but I have never seen this as limiting the things I can do. Yes, I like pink and pedicures, but I also lift weights and change my own oil. I can't reconcile myself to the idea that an unchangable part of myself would control what I can and can't do.



And not run alone? I travel 90% of the time and live on an island in Maine the rest of the time. It is practically impossible for me to find a running buddy.



Finally, I hate the idea I should be expecting people to hurt me or take advantage of me. I ran this morning at 5am and I was terrified the whole time. I jumped at every little noise and movement. I want to be able to trust people. I want to assume that most people are good at heart.



Am I overly naive?

what you took

You wanted a silly toy
and you did not get it
You took something much more precious
the weightlessness of running through the darkness
the beauty of the sun rise
the solitude of the trail
the deep cleansing of a run in the rain
the childish joy of a run in the snow
the fun of running through a pile of leaves
the exhilaration of racing all out
the cool squish of the wet grass beneath my bare feet
the rush from blasting my favorite song
the peace of losing myself in thought
because now I do not notice these things
I can not do these things
I am too busy listening
I am too busy looking
for you.

Attack

This morning when I was running on my favorite trail right by my house I was attacked. I had passed a young guy when I was heading into the trail, and he stepped aside to let me go by. Then about 20 minutes later I heard heavy footsteps running up behind me, then hands around my neck, and I was tackled to the ground. I started struggling and managed to turn myself around to face my attacker, and saw the guy I passed earlier on the trail. He was wearing a face mask so all I could see was his dark eyes. He grabbed at my i-pod and I started kicking and screaming. He lept to his feet, scaled the steep hill to our right, and then was gone. The whole thing lasted less than a minute.
I didn't want to follow the trail back the way my attacker had run so I went the other way and figured I'd cut up through a yard to the road. Luckily, I cane upon another runner who I recognized from other runs a few hundred feet up the trail. I explained what happened and he offered to escort me out of the trails. It was only about 1.5 miles on the road back to my house, but I was looking behind me the whole way.
I was okay until I got home. Then I saw my roommate and burst into tears. I called the police and could barely get my words out. I'm still amazed by the police response. Within minutes there were about 10 squad cars at the scene with 6 more state tropper canine units on the way. The dogs found the guy's sweatshirt and hat dropped on the trail, but he was long gone. After 4 hours of standing around shivering (I was still in my sweaty running clothes) and starving (I hadn't had breakfast yet), they let me go home. And now I'm home with the heat cranked and the door locked.
It could have been so much worse. I know I'm lucky. But I also feel betrayed and angry. That was my favorite running trail, and now I'll never be able to run it alone again. I have to run alone most of the time because of my travel schedule and I doubt I'll ever feel fully safe again. Why did some stupid teenager have to take that away from me? For an old i-pod that he didn't even get? There are 50 police offers out looking for him, and they will find him, and he will be punished. Was it really worth it?

On the road

So this is my last week at my current job. I didn't manage to finagle much time off between jobs, but I did get Friday off, so I'll do my 17 miler then so I'm fresh for my 6 am flight on Monday. The question will be the on-going training once I'm traveling. I know I won't get up at 2 am in order to get in a long run before a 6 am flight. I know I'll be fried after taking a red eye home and not want to run then either. Any road warriors out there? Any advice?

Genetics

I read an interesting article the other day about how it is largely genetics that determines whether or not you find exercise enjoyable. It's an interesting concept and one that I've been thinking a lot about lately, particularly over the weekend.

I met my sister in New Hampshire to climb Mt. Washington for her 16th birthday. She's my half-sister actually, and 10 years younger than I am. When she was younger we adored each other and spent a lot of time together, but in recent years we've grown apart. Part of that is my fault- I've been busy establishing a post collegiate life. I don't go to my Dad's house regularly. That's partially because I'm busy, and partially because I just don't enjoy being there anymore. My step-mom seems to reign over the house, and no matter what my Dad and I do, it isn't right. My sister is picking up that same attitude, and honestly just isn't that pleasant to be around. Most of the time she doesn't speak to me, and if she does, it is to complain.

But climbing, she was happy, and we were happy. We're both athletes, and somehow being in motion broke down the walls between us. In sneakers and light jackets we charged up the mountain, passing hikers that were far better equipped. At the summit we stood knee high in the snow, shivering, and almost getting knocked over by the wind, but grinning from ear to ear. When we got near other hikers we both instinctively kicked into a higher gear in order to pass them. When we got back down to the base, and realized our ride wasn't there, we both were eager to try another loop while we waited. We both have that drive to push ourselves. Then we got back in the car, and she returned to her sullen self, grunting responses and complaining about my choice of movies and restaurants. So I'll have to cling to those moments on the mountain.

Ellie's Inspiration

Over the weekend I went to a funeral for my grandmother's best friend, Ellie. From the moment she was born, at just 1.5 lbs, Ellie faced major obstacles. She spent her early days in the wood-stove to stay warm and drank sour milk. She grew into a thriving toddler, that befriended the little girl next door, my grandmother. That friendship endured until the day my grandmother died, despite time and distance. They saw each other when they could, and wrote long letters many times a week. This is a lesson to me, I have no friendships this close despite having so many ways to connect.

As the oldest of 6 children, Ellie went to work in a factory in order to support the family, so her brothers and sisters could go to college and peruse their dreams. Ellie went on to work as a farmer, a housekeeper, a nanny, a grocery store clerk, and finally at the age of 79 she decided to take on a new job caring for the "elderly." None of the jobs was easy or glamorous, but Ellie did all with spirit and a smile. Ellie's husband was killed in WWII, leaving her with 2 young daughters to raise. Her daughter Lindy spoke at the funeral saying "I realize now things weren't easy, but we never knew that. Mom made an adventure out of everything. We'd hop in the back of the car, sitting on buckets, because it didn't have a backseat, and drive until we got tired. Then we'd get out and have a picnic and see what we could find." Adventure was in Ellie's soul. She, her sisters, and sometimes my grandmother went on many trips, everywhere from Amish country to Las Vegas. Her sister Ruthie recalled one trip to Acadia national park where their hotel reservation was lost. So they found a local church and camped with the hippies in the basement.

Facing some major changes, I am trying to channel Ellie's spirit and look at life as an adventure. We can't choose what life throws at us, but we can change how we deal with it. Ellie would not want us to dwell on her death, she would want us to throw a party and hop in the car and head off into the unknown to see what we can find.

Thanks to the rain gods.

Well it was about 100% humidity during my run this morning, but the downpours held off until 20 minutes after I finished. Thank you to the rain gods.

The run was decent. It was my first try with the run walk method- I did 5 minutes running and 1 minute walking. I averaged under 10 minute miles, so I'm happy. I think the biggest benefit for me was metal, in that I only thought ahead to the next walk break, which is a lot easier than looking ahead to the end of run.