My dirty secret

I could not say this out loud anywhere in New England right now or I'd probably be shot, but I am still excited for snow. I love snow. Even this winter when the piles are threatening to take over the town and we're spent more time shoveling the driveway than anything doing anything else. I love it even though it's made my long runs more difficult and I'll probably have to run in the middle of the main road until May because nothing else is clear. Even as they are projecting another 26 inches over the next 2 days and I've been on hold with Jet Blue for an hour trying to reschedule my flight. It's worth it. Because snow lets you glide across a silent field and feel the warm sun contrast with the cool air on your face and feel impossibly fast and light. Because snow lets you bomb down a mountain and lean over so far on your edges that you are defying gravity. Because snow lets you make an improvisational sled and feel like a kid again even though an hour ago you were yelling in frustration as you did you taxes. Because snow gives you license to drink unlimited cocoa. And so I'll shout it silently to myself "Let it Snow, let it snow, let it snow."

I feel good

I just did a 22 miler and I feel good! Which is good, because I needed this last long run to feel good after my last failure of a run. I should just go with it and be happy, but we all know that I like to over analyze. So during my run I thought about WHY I was feeling good.
1) I ate well yesterday. I ate 3 solid healthy meals with lots of fruits, veggies, and protein. I also drank a lot of water (thank goodness I had an aisle seat because that meant I had to get up to pee about 6 times).
2) I got a decent night's sleep in a bed. I only got about 6 hours, which is not a lot for me, but it was uninterrupted sleep in a bed. Quite a few of my long runs were done immediately after getting off a red-eye. Not fun.
3) I ate real food before the run and stuck to gel during the run. After listening to a few interviews with the Hammer Nutrition guys I decided to try their advice for a lot of my runs. They said that if you don't have 3 hours to digest a meal before you run, you should just have gel right before you go out so that your insulin levels don't have time to spike. Today, I had a small bowl of Kashi shredded wheat and Heart to Heart. I felt much better with some solid food and not weighed down at all. I've also been using Hammer Perpetuum blocks on previous long runs, based on the advice that it's beneficial to have some protein as well as carbs. I just found the blocks to leave a terrible chalky feeling in my mouth and not give me the energy I needed.
4) I slowed down. I re-read my Jeff Galloway book and actually paid attention to the fact that I should be running these long runs at 2-3 mins slower than race pace. I forced myself to slow down in the first 2 hours, and in the last hour I could actually pick it up instead of feeling like death.
5) The road surface was better and I wore my Yak Trax. It's been a full 24 hours since the end of the last storm so the roads were slightly better. The Yak Trax kept me from getting the hip flexor and foot pain I had last time. However, when I took off my shoes at the end I realized that my Yak Trax are shot. The wire is all falling off and the rubber bands have broken in quite a few places. Def need a new pair before Antarctica.

Just had a nice bowl of pasta and now I'm spending some well deserved time on the couch.

East vs. West

I have always been a loyal east coast girl. I love the snow, I don't mind the cold. But the more time I spent in California, the more I am starting to consider that life here isn't so bad. I was home in Boston last weekend and spent about 3 hours shoveling my driveway in an attempt to make it wide enough for my car. The 2 problems were that the snow 2 week old snow had hardened into chunks of ice, and that the snow banks were so high that I had to fling every shovelful up over my head. My back hurt a LOT for days. Then, Sunday the high was about 10 degrees without the wind chill. I did not do my long run.

So this weekend I am determined to snap out of my new California wimpery, and do my long run no matter how cold and/or snowy it is. Time to suck it up girl. It will not be 60 and sunny in Antarctica.

Over-trained?

I got to go skiing in Colorado last weekend, which is something that I have wanted to do forever. You'd think I would have been ecstatic. Not only was I skiing on incredible terrain, I was with a friend who really likes to ski. He wanted to spend long days on the slopes and try every run. Then, he was still interested in running at night. It should have been perfect.

Except that I was tired and grumpy. My quads were screaming at me from the first run. I didn't want to try any of the incredible back country runs. I didn't want to go in the glades or in the powder. I didn't want to run at night. I was snappy and crabby and probably not a whole lot of fun to be with. It wasn't until the very last day (and 4 days of no running) that I felt like myself, ready to attack the mountain. It's a sign that I am very ready for marathon training to be over,.

Is Geography Destiny

I am reading a great book called Cutting For Stone in which the main character asserts that geography is destiny, that is that where you are born dictates the course of your life. It is an idea that has stayed with me since I read it. For the most part I agree. Being born in the United States, I had a lot of opportunities that I might not have had. I had access to a high quality, free education. I had good health care. I had a safe, ample food supply. I had indoor plumbing. Simply by being born when I was, I was able to grow into a healthy adult with minimal effort. But the struggle of simply growing up in more challenging environments is what makes some people into better, stronger people. Would the African runners be as successful if they were raised eating Cheetos and playing video games?

It is true on a smaller scale as well. I have a deep love for the Maine coast that comes from being raised there. I love the cold water and the wind, I love the snow, and I love solitude because this is what I was raised with. I love to travel, but in the end I want to return to Maine. It's a mixed blessing to have a place that you love so passionately. I feel lucky to have a place where I feel so content, as long as this doesn't come at the expense of limiting opportunities.

In a Fog

I'm back in Santa Rosa after 2 wonderful weeks of working remotely from home. My body had finally gotten used to being in a single time zone for more than 4 days, and is not happy with the time zone. Yesterday morning I was in a fog, literally and figuratively. The figurative fog was resolved with massive quantities of coffee, but I'm still struggling with the literal fog. The issue is that I'm running in the dark and it's frequently warm and foggy. The fog makes the light of my headlamp reflect right back at me, so I can't see where I'm running or what is around me. I'm going to be pretty annoyed if I roll my ankle on a bump in the road because I can't see it. Plus, since the attack I like to periodically stop and scan around me, but I can't do this in the fog. I nearly jumped out of my skin this morning because I thought I saw a person lurking on a corner. As I got closer I saw it was actually a stop sign. Looking at my heart rate graph after the run, it looks like I was doing intervals. Nope, just me getting scared out of my mind every few minutes.

Ratty T-Shirts and Old Socks

As part of starting the new year with a clean slate I decided to clean out my closets. I was fairly ruthless when it came to work and casual clothes and shoes, quickly filling 3 bags. However, when it came to getting rid of old race shirts and socks, I just couldn't do it. This is despite the fact that I have a massive quantity of both and that most of them are in terrible shape. The shirts have pit stains, a permanent sweaty odor, and many are streaked with stains from cooking or housework. The socks are equally bad- worn throught at the heels and toes, gray instead of their original white, and not so fresh smelling. But each sock and each shirt has a memory, or has done something for me. There are the socks I wore to do my first 20 miler and my first marathon, the socks that I did a mud run in, the socks I won at Reach the Beach. There is the long sleeve cotton shirt from my first Trek Across Maine, the short sleeve shirt from the 5k I did with my whole family, the too big ugly gray shirt I tried to hem myself from my first marathon. Each item now has a special significant and I can't bring myself to throw them out, no matter how ratty and stinky they are. So I piled them back in the closet and bought some air freshner.

25 miler = FAIL

On my planned 25 miler today I was listening to the Extra Mile Experiment. Chris Russell (I think) was talking about his half marathon simulation, and concluded that it was a failure. So was my 25 miler.

It actually was pretty warm compared to the past few weeks, about 25 when I started and 35 by the time I finished. However the wind was still whipping. And nearly 2 feet of snow does not dissapear over night. The roads were still totally covered, especially the side streets. So my option was to slip and slide on the side streets, or brave the traffic on the main road where there was less snow, but I had to run out in the traffic lane because the snow banks take up the entire shoulder. I did a combination of both. I'd run on the snowy side streets until the little muscles in my legs were screaming from trying to stabilize me. Then I'd run on the main road until I couldn't take being sprayed with slush, honked at, and nearly run over every 10 seconds.

Because of the snow, and because I'm bored to death of it, I didn't do my normal long run route. I did smaller loops near my house, which gave me an easy out. At 21 miles I was just done, mentally and physically. I'm really dissapointed with myself because I wanted to have 25 miler in bank to draw on for Antarctica, which I know will be more demanding than anything I've done before. Can I really do this??

Blizzard of 2010

I am supposed to run a 26 miler this week. And we got nearly 2 feet of snow over the past day and half along with gale force winds. The snow has stopped, but the wind has not. I shoveled for about 20 minutes (for once the town plow didn't deposit the entire street's worth of snow in front of our house), but other than that I have been lying inside reading and eating my way through everyone's Christmas candy for two days. I really want to get this run in tomorrow, so that I can get up to New Hampshire and ski with my sister for a day and still be back in Boston for New Year's Eve. I KNOW that I am training for Antarctica, and a little snow shouldn't scare me. I'm not scared of the snow itself. I am scared of the fact that the snow covers the sidewalks, thus forcing me to run in the road, where the Massholes make a sport out of trying to run you down.

Hopefully, I'll suck it up and get out there tomorrow, because I can't stand another day of sitting inside, doing nothing, and stuffing my face.

GU dilemma

I just got an e-mail from the Antactica tour company. Due to international treaty agreements nothing in a disposible wrapper is allowed, including GU. I've been experimenting with different fuels, including Hammer solid perpetum, and enduralyte, but I'm finding that good old GU or Hammer gel works best. The perpetum is too chalky and the liquid fuels slosh too much in my stomach. So now I need a way to put GU into another type of permanent container. IDEAS???

I have my 26 miler to do next week and I'm already dreading it. It just kills a whole day and my legs feel like lead for days afterward. This is my problem with marathon training, I HATE taking days off. Maybe if I could stop eating, I'd feel better about it, but that hasn't happened.

who is that masked man

I was just starting to feel okay running again. I didn't get to California until 2 am so I let myself sleep in a little Monday so I was actually running in daylight. Given that it was light out, I decided to run on the trail by the river here because I'm already bored to death with the loops through the neighborhood by my hotel. I was just getting into a groove (it took me awhile because my legs are still pretty tired because of my 23 miler this weekend) when I saw someone approaching me. My heart still leaps whenever I see someone else, but this time my heart about stopped. It was man wearing a black face mask. Exactly like my attacker.

It was 60 degrees out. I know Californians are wimps, but really. My heart was racing and my mind was whirling. In order to get to the rest of the path I'd have to pass him again. I got off the path and ran around the streets, but I had to get back on the path in order to get back. And then I saw him again. So much for a good run. I spent the whole time looking around and behind me.

Skiing, biking, and new shoes

I've been pretty running centric lately. Mostly because I'm in maraton training, but also because of my new schedule. Running is easiest when you are short on time and traveling. But last weekend I stayed in CA for the weekend and went skiing on Saturday and Sunday. I always forget exactly how much I love to ski. I like running, but it is not easy enough for me, nor am I fast enough, or painfree enough to think "God I love this," while I'm doing it. But that is exactly what I think when I'm skiing. I love the rush, the feeling of weighlessness.

Then Sunday, even though we rode in the cold rain against a nasty headwind I had a great time. On a bike you can go fast enough and far enough that you can really go somewhere. My Mom's friend Jaye had planned this awesome ride through the redwoods and along the coast on 101. Seeing from a bike was way better than being in a car. After we had a great dinner with the whole group that rode. There is nothing like slogging through the rain and cold to bring a group of people together.

Also last weekend I stopped into a running store that is right by my office here because they had a sign that said free gait analysis. I never want to wait at race expos, but I have always been curious. I was stunned by how bad my gait was, even with the heel lifts and superfeet. Holy pronation. So I guess it's not worth saving $35 and wearing year old superfeet and ancient drugstore heel lifts. I sprung for new shoes and a hard arch support. All week I've been a good girl and worn the arch supports in my sneakers and my work shoes, and my plantar fasciitis is improving. So fingers crossed.

23 miler on tap this weekend. Trying to decide if I should just get it over with when I get home tomorrow after the red eye, or wait until I'm more rested on Saturday.

You should know better

I was talking to a woman at the gym the other day and tolf her about my attack, because she lives nearby and is a runner I wanted to warn her. She said, "well you should know better than to run alone as a woman." The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. First, it makes it seem like getting attacked was MY fault, which I don't think it in any way is.




I'm also really struggling with the whole gender issue here. Yes, I am a woman, but I have never seen this as limiting the things I can do. Yes, I like pink and pedicures, but I also lift weights and change my own oil. I can't reconcile myself to the idea that an unchangable part of myself would control what I can and can't do.



And not run alone? I travel 90% of the time and live on an island in Maine the rest of the time. It is practically impossible for me to find a running buddy.



Finally, I hate the idea I should be expecting people to hurt me or take advantage of me. I ran this morning at 5am and I was terrified the whole time. I jumped at every little noise and movement. I want to be able to trust people. I want to assume that most people are good at heart.



Am I overly naive?

what you took

You wanted a silly toy
and you did not get it
You took something much more precious
the weightlessness of running through the darkness
the beauty of the sun rise
the solitude of the trail
the deep cleansing of a run in the rain
the childish joy of a run in the snow
the fun of running through a pile of leaves
the exhilaration of racing all out
the cool squish of the wet grass beneath my bare feet
the rush from blasting my favorite song
the peace of losing myself in thought
because now I do not notice these things
I can not do these things
I am too busy listening
I am too busy looking
for you.

Attack

This morning when I was running on my favorite trail right by my house I was attacked. I had passed a young guy when I was heading into the trail, and he stepped aside to let me go by. Then about 20 minutes later I heard heavy footsteps running up behind me, then hands around my neck, and I was tackled to the ground. I started struggling and managed to turn myself around to face my attacker, and saw the guy I passed earlier on the trail. He was wearing a face mask so all I could see was his dark eyes. He grabbed at my i-pod and I started kicking and screaming. He lept to his feet, scaled the steep hill to our right, and then was gone. The whole thing lasted less than a minute.
I didn't want to follow the trail back the way my attacker had run so I went the other way and figured I'd cut up through a yard to the road. Luckily, I cane upon another runner who I recognized from other runs a few hundred feet up the trail. I explained what happened and he offered to escort me out of the trails. It was only about 1.5 miles on the road back to my house, but I was looking behind me the whole way.
I was okay until I got home. Then I saw my roommate and burst into tears. I called the police and could barely get my words out. I'm still amazed by the police response. Within minutes there were about 10 squad cars at the scene with 6 more state tropper canine units on the way. The dogs found the guy's sweatshirt and hat dropped on the trail, but he was long gone. After 4 hours of standing around shivering (I was still in my sweaty running clothes) and starving (I hadn't had breakfast yet), they let me go home. And now I'm home with the heat cranked and the door locked.
It could have been so much worse. I know I'm lucky. But I also feel betrayed and angry. That was my favorite running trail, and now I'll never be able to run it alone again. I have to run alone most of the time because of my travel schedule and I doubt I'll ever feel fully safe again. Why did some stupid teenager have to take that away from me? For an old i-pod that he didn't even get? There are 50 police offers out looking for him, and they will find him, and he will be punished. Was it really worth it?